01 January 2030 @ 12:00 am

Isadora; — From greek, gift of Isis.
24. INFJ . Brazil.

Interested in minimalist, books, sherlock and mermaids. 
Cancer with Sagittarius ascendant and moon in Scorpio.

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14 August 2017 @ 12:24 am

I am not perfect
Not even close
And I try so hard
I fight so hard
Against my demons
Those who live in me
The ones that eat me up
From the inside
I pretend
To be someone I am not
To please
Everyone that I can
Just to feel ideal
Just to feel enough
But those efforts
And now
I see myself
Pleasing everyone
Loving anyone
Trying to someone
While I slowly
Very slowly
Kill myself
Current Music: Radiohead - Creep
Current Mood: uncomfortable
09 August 2017 @ 04:46 pm

: The Death Eater's Waltz
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Severus Snape/Luna Lovegood
Author: medievales, also known as naivety
Chapters: 4/?
Rating: Explicit
Tags: Alternate Universe, Voldemort Wins, Severus Snape Lives, Slavery, Explicit Sexual Content, Torture, Psychological Torture
Summary: The war was over. Everything Dumbledore had planned for so extensively all those years, everything the Order of the Phoenix had fought for, was done. Voldemort had all the power to himself, and decided to use it to restructure the Wizarding World. Rewards were given for his most loyal - enemies for his followers to torture. However, when Snape is given the chance to have his reward, he is presented with a dilemma: will he stay safe or sacrifice someone that helped him during the war?
23 July 2017 @ 12:00 pm

My parents are traveling since friday, and should be out for just three days. It was supposed to be the time of my life: I would watch my tv shows on the living room using the biggest screen, I would walk around naked and do whatever I want, whenever I want. It would be those small fractions of freedom that I don't usually get much (my dad is retired and always around, my younger brother tends to be clingy, you get the picture). But the problem was: they left me the exactly week I don't feel well.

It started mostly on friday, after my psychologist's session. It was a really tense one, mostly about my eating disorders and how it affected me in the past and now. Also, about how people tend to behave around me when the subject is food and eating. It was terrible. I mean, I thought I was doing well these past weeks, mainly because I stopped crying all the time whenever I merely entered my psychologist's office, and the medication was making me feel so active. I won't lie, it was still hard to clean around much, and to go outside, but I was doing some chores already and feeling less empty and dead inside.

So, when I left the psychologist, I didn't take five whole minutes to have a compulsion in the snack bar just in front of the building. I just ate like my life depended on it, like I didn't do for a month. I felt like failure. I came home and began to enter again in that self destructive mode, where I have terrible compulsions, think about purging, and then just stay in bed wishing an accident would happen and I would finally find peace in death. I thought it couldn't get any worse, but saturday was... well, it was one of the worst days I had in my entire life. Compulsion, again, an intense fear of everything and everyone, this awful desire to do my chores or simply do something, but an impossible weight on my shoulders that kept me on bed. Somedays when I get like this, I can at least watch some tv, or read. But not yesterday. I just... kept staring at the wall, crying and thinking what I could do to make that pain go away.

I am not suicidal. At least not as much as I was before. I still think about it, but I won't engage. I was the one that decided to seek help, I was the one that scheduled a psychologist, I was the one that accepted medication. I want to get better. But I thought that once I started feeling better, I wouldn't fall again in these miserable days, where everything is simply too much. I thought things would just go easily, and I would feel everyday better. I know recovery isn't easy and requires hard work, and isn't always linear. But deep inside, I was trying to believe it would be all those things.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Tchaikovsky - Swan Lake Waltz
12 July 2017 @ 03:33 pm

Sometimes I feel just like Orpheus in the Underworld.

As if I have this quest, although I am not well prepaired enough for it. As if I have everything to reach the success, but it's never reachable. And then you wonder to yourself if you actually have everything you need, the talent necessary, or even if you are cunning enough to get there. For me, it's difficult in times of doubt to trust in myself and in my plans. Hell, it's even difficult to believe I can actually get up from bed somedays. But I guess that the most important part is that I am trying? I don't know for sure.

Followed by this sensation I won't ever escape the underworld I created, I also have the incredible posture to lie to myself. My ways of living are not, and I repeat, orthodox. I can easily catch myself doing something that will cause harm, falling into old habits, but keeping that reaction that everything is alright. And how much I hate this. However, I also hate to ask for help and to be recieved with this pretentious smile, like someone else knows what is best for you.

The other thing that is driving me crazy is not being able to maintain my attention on anything. I can't even read anymore. Read. Something I often do so easily and that gives me such a pleasure. Sometimes I pick a new book on my kindle, read two chapters, grow excited by the story, but the next day I can't be interested enough to continue. Or I actually finish the book in this anxious state, that sometimes makes me pull an all-nighter just to get to the end, and then I can't begin a new one for the next three months. And it's ridiculous, because I am used to reading at least four books for month? I wonder if this is some part of my sadness or if I am just growing indifferent to life in general.

(Don't stop yourself from following me or anything because of my drama. I promise not everything will be like this here.)
Current Music: Jacques Offenbach - Orpheus in the Underworld
Current Mood: bored
01 January 2017 @ 12:00 am
"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”
— Lao Tzu

This is my collection of favorite quotes.
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